I hate myself I want to die.

Stupidity seems to be breeding at an ever faster rate.

The Vintage Library

Hey, buy me stuff. Or at least look at what I want.

"She bought a clock down on Hollywood Blvd the day she left.
It felt sad."

me: mow
me: I want somebody to share
her: i drubk
me: share the rest of my life
her: look elsewhere
me: share my innermost thoughts
her: you big sap
me: know my intimate details
her: are you singing?
me: someone who'll stand by my side
her: i need to go bed
me: and give me support
her: need to wake up in the am's
me: yes I'm singing
her: i ain;'t gonna marry you
her: nite nite
me: hey
*** her signed off at Sat Nov 29 03:17:05 2003.

I feel bad. My anarchist credentials need to be revoked. I went to Frys and bought a pair of headphones and a some rabbit ears for my TV. I wasn't supposed to buy anything today. At least I fasted.

Movin' on up! I got some rabbit ears from Fry's. Now I get to watch TV without all that static!

That last post didn't come out right, but I don't have enough energy to write it right. I'm too busy living/being fucked in the head to care at the moment.

Not a good day. My company fell asleep on the couch so I went to bed. When I woke up, she was gone. I'd expected that since she had an early class. I had a piece of bread, and took my pills. I threw up a little while later. I didn't feel sick at all, I just hadn't had enough to coat the pills; so I thought I'd be okay to go to work. My hausmate offered a ride. I wanted to get a bagel. We went to Einsteins. I had two bites, and I was going to be sick again. I told him to pull over. He can't drive well; he didn't pull over in time. I got sick in the car. We started back home so I could change, there was still time to get to work. I was sick a few more times. We got home. I cleaned up. I called work to say I'd be two hours late. The sickness didn't fade; I called again to say I wouldn't be in. My hausmate left and didn't return until late. I was hungry and wanted to be with friends. He returned after eating with some friends. He passed out on the blanket I'd set out to nap on since I couldn't sit at the computer for very long.

Watched Heathers and ate nachos with friends last night. I really miss having movie night. I have a subscription to Netflix and hardly watch anything.

My blog is one year old today.

I recently reread two Edward Gorey anthologies (Amphigorey and Amphigory Too) that I've had for years and I wanted to find the third (Amphigorey Also) so I hopped on Amazon to look for it. It seems that all three are out of print, along with most of Gorey's catalogue. That really sucks.

I was going through the various amazon.com wishlists my friends have when I stumbled on Spuds'. It made really sad to see. She hadn't logged on to change anything since she moved over a year ago.

"November spawned a monster"

I just found a video I didn't know I had on my hard drive. Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy. I saw Tori Amos cover this. The video is much like the Smiths videos I know, but painfully coming out of the closet. "The love that you seek will never be found at home."

I had a long-assed weekend. Mixing narcotics, booze, nachos, and dancing can be a bad idea. Not that I've ever tried it, but I think it would be a bad idea.

"...when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun."

I am getting really fucking sick of this town.

I was really hungry when I got home, but I didn't feel like making anything. I remembered a burrito I'd gotten two nights ago that I hadn't eaten (I ordered a bunch of grub and didn't finish it all.) So I bite in and the shit has beef in it. Fucking hell, why can't the mexican food places in this town do anything right?

I keep getting this intense home sickness, but I don't know where "home" is. Bakersfield, San Bernardino, Santa Cruz, with my folks? I don't know. "Disappear Here." "No Exit."

me: mow
her: don't mow at me
me: fine
her: you cats are all alike
me: ?
her: nothing
her: random nonsense
me: we cats are not all the same
me: some of us have black stripes
me: some of us have orange
me: some of us prefer tuna
me: some of us prefer trout
her: is this some kind of poem?
me: off the tip of my tongue
her: i go bed
her: night
me: but I'm not like those cats
*** her signed off

Two ten year old boys sitting next to me on the bus. I'm wearing a naval officer's coat and my Trotsky watch. They ask if I'm in the navy, I say "No, I got the coat at a thrift store." They seem satisfied with the answer and ask who is on the face of my watch. It's a difficult question to answer since Russia has always been Russia to these little ones. Trying to explain the U.S.S.R. seems rather useless so I answer with "He was a great thinker, a philosopher." They are already bored with my answer and move on to other things.

Oh, Papa (Bela Lugosi) is coming on the tellie. The Ape Man is coming on. When I got my first paycheck from my first job (yes kids, I was 23) I went to the maul to buy some small things to make life living with family livable again. The first thing I got was an 8x10 of Bela, the second was a frame to put it in. He's watched over me ever since.

Jessica Lynch is on Letterman. I thought she said she was done talking. It pisses me off because Charlie Rose is having such a good show tonight and I'd rather be watching that, but this festering wound is more important at the moment.

Yahoo! News - Olympics set to OK transsexual athletes

This debate has been going on forever. What makes gender? I say let the boys and girls play on the same team. Heh.

there were so many people here today. i made twice-baked potatoes for four, then there were six. i made the potatoes last; i fried some more with onions. it feels odd to cook for others; i don't remember doing it before but i remember the ritual. they liked the food; they complimented me for completing the ritual. i think cooking for someone is the most important form of bonding.

GULF WAR SYNDROME BIRTH DEFECTS IN IRAQ EXTREME BIRTH DEFORMITIES FROM DEPLETED URANIUM AMMUNITION

Hehe! I got the bestest presents ever! "Switched on Santa", lovely vinyl moog goodness, by Jean Jacques Perrey, even! And to top that off, a book about obscure German cinema! Yay! My friends rule.

Lol, SNL making fun of Mondale now. Hah.

Chaka Kahn is scary.

A Saturday Night Live episode is on from the 70s. They're making fun of Jean Kirkpatrick. It's funny I know who she is, since I was so young.

Yay! Craigslist is finally in Las Vegas!

craigslist: las vegas online community

Woke up shaking. I thought I was cold, but I didn't stop shaking when I turned up the heat and found more blankets. My lymph nodes are still swollen from being sick. I spilled water when I tried to pour it. I can't remember putting soup on the stove but I can smell it. I haven't had any drugs, I don't get it. Even the residual effects of the cough syrup shouldn't do this. Even if I'd been snorting drugs, my nose shouldn't feel like this. Still shaking, shallow cough. Can't remember what I just said.

Went to see Gene Loves Jezebel tonite. They fucking rocked. I heckled the singer at one point, then during "Desire" he put the mic in my face and made me sing. Later in the same song, some chick jumped on stage and grabbed a mic. They played along with it until they got bored then cut the mic off and went on. Fucking great show.

Doctors dismiss claims Jessica Lynch was raped - www.smh.com.au

Yeah, lies lies and more lies. What about Shoshana?

I don't really like Howard Stern, he just bores me. He's on Dave Letterman right now, and it's rather amusing. Howard is a good interviewer, he's getting more info out of Dave rather than vice versa.

So, as a random fluke of relocation, I am now with two cats. One is fat and an attention whore, the other is black and kinda skittish. The fat one sits under my chair on its side waiting for a chance to strike. He rears up on his hind legs and grabs my left arm away from the keyboard with his front paws. Then he'll bleat like mad till I pet his head. As I pet, he starts to move farther away as if I'm supposed to follow him away from my computer (heh, right,) so I stop petting. He mows a few times then goes back under the chair. This repeats every 20-30 mins. It's fortunate for the cat I've had girlfriends get me used to this behavior or it would be in the microwave by now.

What a shitty night. I've got a flu and I tried to make it to see Echo and the Bunnymen. I was going with two groups of friends. I had a few beers, then got really sick. I went to the bathroom to piss and wound up puking. My friends were worried, they asked if I was okay, if I wanted to go home. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I wanted to hang out more, to go to the club after. So I get home and turn on Letterman. During a commercial break, I switch to Charlie Rose and Gary Kasparov is on, more than halfway through his interview. As I'm worried about this, another friend has swollen lymph glands in her neck and no medical insurance. Too much drama.

Friends coming to get me at 7:30 to see the Echo and the Bunnymen show. I'm still sick, tho. Plus I only have about $35, not enough to get through tonight if I have a drink or two then go to the goth club. Not that I think I can make it to the club tonight. I can sleep all day tomorrow, my housemate should be back in town. I'll let him unpack (he's been in New York all week) as I sleep. Friday is the Gene Loves Jezebel show and Saturday there's going to be a big RHPS at the Huntridge which should be fun. I haven't been to Rocky since I played Dr. Scott at UCSC in '99.

Don't ask me why I'm awake at 8am. It has something to do with Nyquil I think.

Someone bring me some chamomile tea. I am so congested it isn't funny. I've been home since 6 and haven't drank or smoked. 3 hot baths haven't helped.

images on the news; there are injured american soldiers. They have numbers drawn on their foreheads in sharpies as some form of triage or identification. They are still strong. Is the media's attempt at the war of attrition on the american spirit that finished our fight in Viet Nam or a show of american courage?

Woot! Cable modem now installed, and the guy showed up an hour early!

A random memory from a few days ago just entered my head. As the last few loads of my gear came out of the van, she grabbed my 18" double ended dildo with her bare hands and carried it into the apartment. I don't remember anyone else other than me and my crass friends from Bakersfield treating it so casually. I asked her to put it in my bedroom. She commented that it was the grossest color she'd ever seen.

I left to get smokes; it was so cold I got my german wool trench out of the closet. As I'm nearing the 7/11, I feel something in the inner pocket. It's my plane ticket from Toronto to Las Vegas from last March.

A friend's birthday.

Back at the korean net cafe. I really need a tablet pc or just risk the wrist pain and write again. While I was shopping for leftover halloween goodness, I got a birthday present for a long to absent friend. We hung out together with a small group. There are too many images for me to recount at the moment, I suppose they will be lost now; "like tears in the rain."

the American Journal of Public Health is publishing a report that states binge drinking is less common on campuses with a more diverse student body. The more blacks and Asians, the less drinking. I think that's caused by the different groups not hanging out with each other and leaving campus to drink with their friends. Just a thought.

Went with two friends to Target to stock up on Halloween goodness. I got an orange skin tight shirt that says "bat-itude" on the front. Goth as fuck.