I want to write, but I don't have the energy right now. I always have something to say, you know that. Posting is just difficult now.

My audio collection resembles many of the tape mixes that I have made or were made for me in the last ten years. I still love those tapes; the audio quality was strange and makes you feel like you are sorting through the brain of the person making them. The clicks and tape noise put you at that exact moment.

"Winter's cityside
Crystal bits of snowflakes
All around my head and in the wind
I had no illusions
That I'd ever find a glimpse
Of summer's heatwaves in your eyes
You did what you did to me
Now it's history, I see
Here's my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It's easy when you're big in Japan"

I read this song as a man getting dumped and then looking to drugs for solace. Waiting for your man is slang for waiting for your dealer. Too close to bone.

We drove to Santa Monica on Tuesday night. 4 people in a high speed drunken burn though the desert looking towards the Pacific. At the edge of the continent, we fall asleep. Looking north towards Malibu, Santa Barbara, Monterrey, eventually San Francisco, I get nervous. The ocean breeze is cold, the waves loud. The wind comes off of thousands of miles of ocean. Driving home, the wind has come across hundreds of miles of flat desert sand and heat. Nursing our sunburns we already miss the ocean.

I'm such an idiot. I pay my electric bill at Albertsons and think that it'll get turned back on soon. So I call the power company tonight and they tell me that a payment there will take 48 hours to process. Nice enough people to talk to, but I feel stupid.

For some reason I have a Fleetwood Mac song stuck in my head. “Loving you isn’t the right thing to do. How can I change the way that I feel? If I could, maybe I'd give you my world. How can I when you won't take it from me?"

My power is off. After paying rent I didn’t have enough to pay the electric bill. I thought I had another week, enough time to wait for another paycheck, but oh well. Of course I can’t be bothered to call the company and beg for another week. So Tuesday, I went to stay with some friends. The four of them were so busy with work, finals, etc. that I didn’t see them much. They just pointed me to the liquor cabinet, turned on the Sundance Channel, and let me be. I spent over a year spending so much time with the two brothers, I really miss their company. They both work and attend university full time so it can be difficult to see them now. I met them through an ex-girlfriend, someone they had known for years. We moved to Las Vegas together. Now I wonder how much I’ll ever be able to see them. With the friends I have in San Bernardino, San Jose, San Francisco, Bakersfield, et al, it seems mostly lost. There are a few that I still email and even call from time to time but most are just wisps of shadow and smoke now.
I guess I should stop feeling sorry for myself. It’s just as much my fault as anything else. I can’t help feeling isolated, but I’m responsible for the conditions of isolation. Feh.

I really shouldn't be living alone. I keep fucking things up rather than getting anything done.

Genesis 16:

"You are now with child
and you will have a son.
You shall name him Ishmael,
for the LORD has heard of your misery.
12 He will be a wild donkey of a man;
his hand will be against everyone
and everyone's hand against him,
and he will live in hostility
toward all his brothers."

"Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the prechoosen forms. During the Rectification of the Hydronie, the Traveler came as a large and moving Torgh! Then, during the Third Reconciliation of the Mecketric Suplecants, They choose a new form for him, that of a giant Sloar! Many Subs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of a Sloar that day, I can tell you."

I just finished watching a documentary about death and burial. They showed the Columberium in San Francisco. Some of my brightest memories flooded back. Thank you, Alan.

Ecclesiastes 3
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.
16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.
17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.
19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.
20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.
21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?
22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?